It starts with an innocent gesture or a good faith gift and ends with you being a slave or killed. Aliens are deceptive, evil creatures that hate you and will do whatever it takes to get you out of the way. For all you know, the aliens use people as fuel to power their flying death squads. Or maybe they need some guinea pigs to test a new drug the want to put on the market. Either way, you need to know how to kill them and keep them from coming back.

Guns kill aliens very well. Especially big guns found on tanks. Throwing water on an alien will only piss it off, making your death all the more likely. Acid that can kill you can probably kill an alien just the same. Be careful not to spill any on yourself.

Chances are you are going to have to kill the aliens yourself because you can't trust most politicians and they'll screw us all over.

Steal the alien's technology. It's not enough that you blew it's head off, steal that hyper death ray that vaporized the idiot next to you and kill some more aliens. Take that cool hover bike and pick up a friend for some good old alien killing. One person can drive while the other shoots.

Find other alien haters to get your world back. Ten guns are better than one. You don't have to like your Alien Death Squad, you just have to shoot aliens with them.

Does it piss you off to find out some jackass wrote a virus that has wiped out your computer? Use those people against the aliens. Any advanced race worth a damn has some sort of Internet type thing. Find some lonely teenage nerd to make a series of viruses to make those alien bastards cry. Get an army of angry teens to take over their flying ships and crash them into each other.

Find out where the aliens live and mess up their home world with their own technology. Don't send everyone, someone needs to stay behind and make sure none of those alien bastards don't invade again.

Learn their language. Not all of it, just the swear words and some cool insults is enough. Sharing a quick quip in alieneese right before you incinerate one is much more satisfying since your insult is the last thing they hear before dying.

Are you an up and coming superhero with no place to turn to for styling tips? Of course you are! After exhaustive research and interviews with the superhero community, I bring you the best tips for being a Super Stylish Hero.

The most important part of your superhero look is a styling name. What does your name have to do with style? Your name can seriously impact your style. Let's look at an example.

Say your name is Hurricane. Would you dress in purple? Of course not! Hurricanes are associated with large bodies of water called oceans. Most people think of the color blue for water. Have you seen purple water? No, you haven't if you lay off the drugs. You lose serious style points from your superhero peers if your name is Hurricane and you wear purple.

In fact, your name should have something to do with your powers. If your name is Hurricane and you throw fire, then you become a total loser no matter how stylish you dress. Colors are vital. The wrong colors could leave you the laughing stock of the super hero community.

Limit your color choices to two or three max. Easy colors are different shades of the same color. Avoid pink or excessively girly colors if you are a man. Wearing pink tights may show off your muscular body, but your enemies will laugh... And so will your friends. Real men don't wear pink. In fact, avoid pink if you are a girl as well. Appearing too feminine will leave you open to insults from your arch nemesis on what a wuss you are.

Black goes with everything and can be a good complimentary color. Be careful not to over use black unless you are a total badass with the skills and attitude to prove it. Since you are reading this guide, I guarantee you aren't.

You should discuss color options with a professional SuperHero Colorologist, such as myself, before you choose your superhero colors.

After you pick your colors, you need to think about the actual outfit you will wear. Traditionally, spandex and tight fitting clothes were the outfit of choice for the superhero. You don't have to choose this option. But don't do the Casual Fridays look. It may be okay for the office, but it's not okay for a superhero. If you're a woman, and can fly or even if you can't, avoid the skirts or dress. Nothing says embarrassment like a skirt flying up in a breeze or the heat of battle.

Accessories

Does your superhero outfit lack that special something? Spice up your attire with some accessories. There are all kinds of cool trinkets and doohickeys that can take you from bland to grand. Something as simple as a belt can add life to your outfit. Goggles are also a good choice and have the added bonus of eye protection. Don't go overboard with accessories or you will just induce laughter instead of fear in your enemies.

Now you know the basics of being a cool superhero. Just work on those powers and you'll be well on your way to fame and maybe fortune.

Do you know what you would do if a zombie showed up on your doorstep? Probably not or you wouldn't be reading this guide.

Zombies are scary, smelly, un-dead people that shamble along until they can out-smart the dumb people and feast on their delicious, delicious brains. The bad news is that you are probably one of those dumb people. The good news is I, with my vast zombie hunting knowledge, have written this guide so that even you, the idiot that you are, can survive a zombie outbreak.

In order to properly protect yourself from a zombie, you need to know the two different types.

Genetic Mutation

This type of zombie is created because some jerk scientist screwed up his virus to create super solders and made zombies after your tasty flesh. These zombies can be fast or slow, ultra violent or brain damagingly passive. With your luck, they'll be fast and ultra violent. If you don't die when they rip you open and feast upon your organs, you'll be infected and become a zombie. Most zombies are genetic mutations.

VooDoo Curse or Necromancy Magic

Well, someone must be pissed to go to all the trouble of creating a VooDoo curse zombie or maybe just bored. On the up side, they aren't infectious if they bite you. Unfortunately, they still want your tasty flesh. These zombies are pretty passive and slow. This former person pissed off the wrong VooDoo priest and was doomed to walk the earth as a mindless zombie forever or until a nice person takes pity on him or her and undoes the curse... with a bullet to the brain.

Unless you're want to go down in a blaze of glory, don't use a knife. Sure, knives are good for all sorts of things, but do you really want to get that close to the vice-like grip of a hungry zombie? Maybe you can hack it's head of before its friends show up and have a party with you as the main course, but is that the risk you want to take? Despite what you might think, the only cure for zombie-itis is a bullet to the head.

What you want is a nice, head exploding gun. Like a sawed-off shotgun. If you hold the gun from the waist and point up, you will have yourself an excellent head shot. Sure the zombie might get a bit close, but unless you forgot the bullets or have narcolepsy, Mr. Shotgun will take care of it with no risk to you. You don't even need very good aim and you can kill two zombies with one shot.

If you must, try a handgun. You don't have to be so close, but you need to have good aim. If you can't hit a giant tree three feet in front of you, you're going to be zombie lunch. It's very important to shoot a zombie in the head. Shooting a leg off only makes it crawl towards you instead of shamble or run. It can still bite your ankles, causing you to fall over and become a hearty meal.

Some hard-to-come-by-but-really-cool weapons you can try are grenades and rocket launchers. Both weapons are excellent for ridding the area of groups of zombies. Down sides are that zombies in outer areas of the blast may only be rendered legless and still capable of crawling toward you. On the plus side, it's pretty damn cool to watch zombie chunks fly in all different direction.

Since this is a zombie outbreak of sorts, don't be afraid of taking thing from where ever you see them. If you find bullets, you damn well better take them. You can never have too many bullets. Anyone that tells you otherwise is a filthy zombie lover and should be avoided. Get as many bullets as you can carry for your gun(s).

Do you want to trip and fall because your shoe is untied? Or have a heel break while running because you ran out of bullets? Or maybe have loose clothing snag on a fence? These are all recipes for a tasty zombie snack. Is that what you want to be? A snack? I though not. Here are all of the things you'll need to know about dressing for success.

Wear comfortable work boots with steel toe or at least a quality pair of sneakers. You probably won't really be doing much running, but chances are if there are zombies, your town is a flaming pit of death anyway. It's hard to walk with a broken foot and you never know when random things will fall on you. Steel toe boots allow for kicking thing, such as boxes and broken cars, with minimal to no discomfort for you. And believe me, kicking the crap out of a broken car sure releases the tension and anger of being in a zombie hell pit.

Depending on the weather, wear comfortable, slightly loose pants. Use a belt to keep your pants snuggly fitting around your waist so they don't fall down to your ankles, causing you to fall and become zombie food. Pants are better to protect your legs from cut and scratches from the festering dump that was your home.

Top off your outfit with a nice, comfy t-shirt. Nothing too loose that will snag or be grabbed by zombies and nothing too tight that you can't breath.

A must have accessories is a backpack to hold all of the bullets, food, and water you can find or carry. It's also good to have a flashlight and belt holder in case you need to see in the dark. Don't count on there being electricity. Chances are some zombie has or will somehow fall into a power generator and take out the power. A gun belt or holster attachment to your belt allows for more bullet carrying while still having easy access to your guns.

Those of you with long hair, tie it back so it doesn't get in your way. All you need is to miss a shot at a zombie because your hair is in your face. Time spent playing with your hair could cause you to be eaten by your pursuer.

Skirts are not something comfortable to be walking around in for extended periods of time. When was the last time you saw someone climbing over anything or even running in a skirt? That's what I thought. Skirts also serve as a distraction for others you may find. Sure, maybe that guy won't be distracted by the bare legs of the only woman he's seen in days or weeks and completely miss killing a zombie with a perfect head shot he would have gotten if you weren't so concerned about looking pretty. Good job, zombies are now eating the one other person you met that can actually shoot.

DO NOT walk by a downed zombie that isn't obviously dead. (i.e. no head) Chances are it will reach out and bite you the second you get close enough. And now you're infected. Good job. Now you're just a zombie waiting to turn.

It's well know that most zombies can't do simple things like climb onto boxes. Use this to your advantage. Climb on some tall boxes, and peck off your grotesque assailants at your leisure. Don't stay too long or more zombies will show up. It would really suck to die from starvation because a pack of ravenous zombies showed up and you ran out of bullets.

If you do run out of or are low on bullets, find a good place to hide. Don't bother with that melee weapon crap because we all know you aren't strong enough to chop a zombie's head off with a big, giant knife anyway.

Good places to hide are any building with lockable doors and no windows if you're below the fourth floor. You probably work in this building if you have a cubicle. Most zombies are dumb and can't work the elevator buttons or open doors let alone pick locks. Hopefully your office building has some sort of cafe with food so you won't have to venture outside to eat.

Other good places: supermarkets, malls, homes, anyplace without revolving doors.

If a fast, violent zombie should spot you, you're probably screwed. Hopefully, you can blow it's head off with your shotgun before it bites you. Or at least run faster than the other people around you. (I hope you're in a group.)

Now you know everything you need to survive a zombie infestation.

Images from Resident Evil 3. A good place to practice your aim.

Here I thought people didn't read my blog because I'm a lazy bastard and never update, but it's really because of Men!

An article in the New York Times Fashion & Style section about the BlogHer conference brushes over how woman bloggers aren't taken as seriously as their male counterparts.

Judging from the article, most of the blogs by those woman look like things nobody care about. Sorry, but your vapid, shallow life doesn't make me care about your blog. Four of the blogs mentioned in the article are about stuff that I certainly don't care about in any way, shape, or form. Three of those were about being a mom.

Okay, so you're writing a blog about things no one cares about except maybe other woman or a very small nitch audience and you're complaining about not being taken seriously? Glancing at the top 100 female bloggers list, there seems to be a lot of "mom" related blogs. Looking over the top 5, there seems to be a lot about people's lives. Not really interesting.

I wouldn't take your blog seriously if you had information that was completely wrong right at the top of your page.

We're seeing a flurry of tweets indicating there was an earthquake in San Diego - nothing on the "news" yet - but our very own Erin Kotecki Vest gave us the scoop.

The earthquake was in L.A. I knew that yesterday around noon while I was at work. I saw it on the news at work yesterday afternoon. It's now the next day that I'm seeing this information at the top of BlogHer's page. It makes them look like a bunch of idiots. I don't know, but I think you're too dumb to blog if you can't click the edit button. (info removed from BlogHer)

Or saying things that just sound stupid:

The high gas prices may actually work some magic when things are all said and done. If the pain gets great enough perhaps it'll create a willingness to try something new even in environments traditionally reluctant to change such as say the workplace. Now that I see some seriously overweight sedentary people taking the plunge and riding old bikes on errands in my neighborhood (a good thing!) I know radical changes can be possible even in the most stubborn of people.

I go to the gym. In a car. It seems just a little mess up to wish for high gas prices just because there are fat, lazy people who supposedly won't work out otherwise. This first paragraph doesn't even have anything to do with the actual article and that is the teaser displayed on the main page. Uh... Okay... The only reason I even looked at the rest of the article is to get the link. I would think the lead-in paragraph would have something to do with the rest of the article.

Maybe if you don't sound like a complete dumbass when you talk, I'll take you seriously.

First of all, does it surpries you one fucking bit that this article–about the business activites of women bloggers–is in the Fashion/Style section of the Times? Cause you know, anything women do is all about fashion and style, it’s not real manly-man shit like business and sports and technology. The Times article about how “blogging can KILL YOU!!11!!!!1!ELEVENTY!1!1!!!!” was in the Technology section of the paper. You know why? Cause the article is about how manly-man Cheeto-huffing bloggers could DIE!!!! from manly-man stress-induced disorders like HEART ATTACKS!!1Q!!1!! Cute little laydeez chit-chatting about blogging and other little cute shit they do on the Internet? Fashion/Style.

I guess it's pretty cool that even people with severe mental handicaps can post on blogs too. Oh wait, this person is just dumb! That's sad. It's the second paragraph and it only gets worse.

More Fun Comments:

Women Are Discriminated Against On The Internet–Wah! Wah! - Dr. Melissa Clouthier

I think this is a good time to call someone Sugar-Tits. - Rachel Lucas

I stumbles upon an article that rates cities based on how many personal freedoms you can enjoy without being litigated to death. It lists the 35 most populated municipalities in the United States. I've lived in or near all of the bottom four cities and actually been to all those places. But at least I'm moving up on the list!

35: Chicago Hey, I was just there for a few months last year. Lucky me! I hate Chicago. Especially in the winter.

The Windy City’s litany of meddlesome laws range from a tax on bottled water to a ban on serving alcohol at all-nude strip clubs.

34: Seattle I lived across the Sound from Seattle and went there on occasion. Actually, I moved from Seattle late last year.

Washington was one of the first states to prohibit alcohol in the last century, and the city’s restrictions on strip clubs and card rooms are legendary. In the last five years, the nanny impulse has gone into hyperdrive.

33: New York I lived about four hours north of New York City. In the winter. Winter in New York blows. We had to chisel the ice away from our mailbox just so the mailman would deliver our mail. By "chisel" I mean "stab and pummel with a shovel". Of course I left just before the horse racing season started.

New York competes with Chicago as a trailblazer for bad new ideas, whether it’s the 2003 ban on smoking in bars and restaurants, the 2006 decision to create and maintain an active, involuntary database of the blood sugar levels on every resident diabetic, the 2007 ban on trans fats in restaurant cooking oil, or the 2008 rule that fast food chains must show calorie content on their menus.

32: San Diego This is where I live now.

Worst of all, San Diego recently joined an unfortunate statewide trend by banning alcohol on public beaches under all circumstances.

I bet this was somehow cause by those darn drunken sailors. The only reason San Diego exists is because of the ninety million various military bases in the area.

Ironically, I've been to all of these places courtesy of the Navy. Boot Camp and various schools are located in Great Lakes, IL, a stones throw away from Chicago; Puget Sound Naval Shipyard is located across the Puget Sound from Seattle; Ballston Spa, NY has a Department of Energy site populated by a bunch of sailors; San Diego has several bases including the Naval Air Station North Island which is where my ship and the recently cripples Washington are located.

1: Las Vegas Maybe I should move to Sin City next to see what it's like to live in a city that has the least amount of government annoyance.

When a fourth-grader asked him what he’d take to a deserted island, Goodman said a show girl and a bottle of gin.

There is way too much stupidity in the world.

Let's start with my bosses. Why are they so dumb? First you should know that I'm in the Navy and on one of the crappiest ships in the Navy. Second you should know that I'm an Operation Specialist (aka OS: we stare at radars). Third, it is widely know throughout the Navy that the OS rate has no job what-so-ever in port being that the radars are shut off. It is expected that if you are an OS you leave within two hours of coming to work. But not on this ship.

We aren't even given busy BS work anymore and yet are forced to stay for hours and hours to do nothing. And what happens when we sit around and do nothing because we are given nothing to do? We get bitched at. Hello dumbass, you didn't give us anything to do! How do you bitch that your people aren't doing anything when you don't give them anything to do? How many time are we going to clean the same damn places? Did I mention that all of our spaces are lock all the time so no one can even get into them except for us?

That's right all of our LOCK spaces are cleaned on a daily basis despite no one besides us going into them.

I don't watch TV or pay much attention to what goes on in the world in general anymore, but I did have the misfortune of noticing that at least one of the people running for president is a complete idiot. That would be Obama.

It's not so bad when you watch those nice, edited clips of Obama on TV since they edit out the ninety million times he says "um". I was watching some clips of Obama saying something stupid on the Internet and all I hear was "um, bla bla bla bla, um, bla bla bla, um". This is the guy people what to be president of the United States.

Oh, that and he's campaigning for president in Europe. Someone needs to tell that man that they don't vote in the election. Who campaigns in Europe for president of the United State? Shouldn't you be trying to win MY vote? Dumbass.

Let's not overlook how he constantly says stupid shit like how we have 57 states. Sure, maybe he really knows how many states the U.S. has, but that doesn't excuse the fact he has the social skills of a retarded monkey having a seizures. Is this really the guy we want representing our country?

At least if he does become president it won't last long. If the stress of being president doesn't crush him, I'm pretty sure Hillary will be plotting his demise. We all know what a crazy bitch she is.

Anyone that believes in global warming is also a complete idiot. I remember global cooling being all the rage on the news in the 80s. What, does Mother Nature have mood swings or something? In the span of 10 years the earth is just going to magically start becoming a inferno of death? What happened to "the next ice age" that was supposed to be just around the corner? I guess even Mother Nature can suffer from PMS. I would figure people would be kind of skeptical about global warming just because of that whole lack of any kind of evidence. Aren't scientist supposed to, I don't know, have data and do research before claiming some sort of crazy shit?

If only I was really dumb, I could be blissfully ignorant of everything.

The site you're looking at right now. I made everything you see and all the scripts myself. You can learn more on the about page. This is the most recent project I've done so far.

This site is nothing but links to cool stuff. Updated five days a week.

I did pretty much everything for this site except the title image, the category images, and maybe some of the programming.

• basic design & colors of the site
• auto alternating colors of links
• user system
• comments
• the script that shows the links, hits, comments, time
• admin center to add stuff
• users online count

Conservative Grapevine

A conservative news & views site. Run on MovableType.

I had nothing to do with the current design, but some of the stuff I programmed is still there.

What was done

• a comments registration script to worked with of MovableType
• a rotating banner ad on the top
• traffic stats from the banner ads
• random slogan
• random quote
• retro RWN generator
• referrer info
• users online count
• admin area to edit/add/delete banners, referrers, users, slogans, quotes, retro RWN

Right Wing News

Have you ever wondered how to become a peace loving, flower throwing hippy? No? Well too bad, because I'm going to tell you anyway. After reading this guide, you will know everything about being a hippy. In no time people will be calling you the "crazy hippy lady".

We'll start with something easy: what to wear. Studies show that hippies tend to wear old, 70s style clothing. This clothing tends to be brightly colored and have a field of flowers per square inch of material. Other popular styles involve using rainbows and peace signs. A perfect outfit has lots of flowers and is obnoxiously colorful. Rarely, there are hippy slogans on their clothes, but most hippies are illiterate so you should probably avoid words. Garage sales and second hand stores are great places to find hippy clothes.

Don't forget the assessories! Good ones are flower crowns, flower bracelets, face paint flowers, and peace signs.

It is important that you start growing your hair out. In fact, you'll never get a haircut again. Even the men have hair down to their waist. To keep your hair out of your face, you need to find a colorful bandanna to tie around your head. Some hippies opt to tie a bunch of flowers together and string them around their head somehow. Either way, you'll need lots of flowers to stick into your hair.

Your new hippy look is almost complete; there are only two more things you need to do. First, find some sandals. Hippies don't wear shoes or boots, they wear sandals. If you can't find sandals, just don't wear any shoes. Next, find some finger paint and draw peace signs and flowers on your face. If you're having a hard time getting the paint on, just wipe random colors on your face and claim it's a rainbow.

You look just like a hippy! But we're not done yet. Chances are, your name isn't hippy enough and you'll need to pick a new one. Your new Spirit Name needs to connect you to Mother Earth. Try stringing together random hippy things like moon, sun, flower, rainbow, beam, leaf, wind, sky, and spirit. Some sample hippy names are: Sunbeam, Moonspirit, Flowermoon, Rainbowbeam, Moonflowerspirit, Moonleaf, Windskyspirit. Don't bother legally changing your name, hippies don't like the government or anything remotely related to it. Going to court to have your name changed is very un-hippy-like.

That leads us to quitting your job. Corporations are just as evil as the government. In fact, money itself is evil so your best bet is to give it to a trained professional, such as myself, for proper disposal. All of that crap you've bought over the years is also evil. Yes, even the toaster. Get rid of everything you own except your hippy clothes and sell your house or apartment. You, as a free spirit, cannot allow yourself to be chained down by slave master corporations or evil governments.

Speaking of free spirit, let's talk about how to become one. Going out into the wilderness is the perfect way to find your inner spirit. Find a nice, quiet spot, take your drugs and chant your Spirit Name. Eventually, you will feel the free spiritness somehow. If you can't get the free spirit feeling the first time, keep at it. Don't be a quitter like you were in your former life being slave to "The Man".

Let's talk food. Hippies only eat natural stuff like leaves and tree bark. No meat for you! Meat is one of those evil things. Chances are if you can buy it in a grocery store, it's evil. Even the corn is evil because of that genetic modifying thing they do to it. You'll have to grow all of your own food just to be safe. Tip: Tree bark and leaves grow on trees.

To be a hippy, you must think like a hippy. If you're not sure what to think about a topic, try saying it's evil. Hippies think most things are evil, so you'll probably be safe. Actually, hippies do very little thinking; they spend most of their time smoking pot, having sex, or smoking pot while having sex. You must have sex with as many people as you can. Where will you be having all of this sex and smoking all of this pot?

In your rusty, old hippy van! It really doesn't matter if it runs or even has an engine since it'll just be sitting around anyway. Try to find an old pile of crap at an area dump or rusting out in a ditch somewhere. If you have to, steal an old, junky looking van from another hippy or some homeless bums.

After you find your hippy van, take your van to the forest that you found your free spirit and get lots of brightly colored paint. Recommended colors are yellow, pink, light blue, light green, orange, and pink. You should probably steal all of the paint rather than buy it because we all know that hippies are nothing but a bunch of thieves. Now that you've stolen paint for you hippy van, it's time to start throwing the colors on. Try to cram as many flowers and rainbows as you can on your hippy van. None of the original color should be visible, so be generous when applying your paint.